Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Existential anxiety?

Somehow today in the midst of finding everything very difficult, I had a lovely day. I think because I have realised that trying to live in two cultures at once is very exhausting and since I am here should try relax into the way things are done around here. Like doing things when you feel like it rather than when the time announces to you that it time to get up, and when to have lunch and when to stop work. So I slept until I felt like getting up and just generally did things when I felt like doing them. It could have been this new attitude, but more likely it was that the car was being serviced so no-one humbugged me to drive anywhere and once we were all at work we were stuck there. It was great! we all did some work for once, all together and felt really quite productive. Main baba R wasn't around as her mother ( minbala mami det olgaman J) was sick and she had to look after her. Sometimes I feel so much love for R when I get a glimpse of the huge amount of compassion and devotion she has to her family, though she can be quite abrasive if something is in her way (!!).

When the mechanic bought the car back everyone was too inolved in doing work to even ask me to go anywhere, and I had to hassle everyone to get to the (council) office before it closed ( to get the mail which comes on Tuesdays). There was a letter for me from my sister with photos of her twin girls and beautiful son, and I felt so elated and filled with joy to look at them. It still makes me smile now when I think of them, ( I cant overstate how wonderful it is to receive letters..hinthint).

When I finally came home I fell asleep face first on my bed ( it has been so hot here the last few days.. and i have run out of real drinkable water, so I have to buy it ( no wamut I wont drink from the tap!). I woke up about two hours later and drank a litre and a half of water that I bought. And i feel wonderful.

Amazingly a group of travelling musicians came and played in Ngukurr out under the stars ( in fact under the church sign which reads 'Jisas im laibala') and everone lit big bonfires and listened to the peaceul meditative music of indian sitar and tabla and other instruments I cant name ( because I dont know the name of). It was beautiful joyful energy, I sat with mami F who wrapped her sheet around me to keep me warm..and N and J who loved it as well.

But really I am having a hard time and lonely and tired most of the time... It is those moments when you feel loved though that are so momentous that stay with me for the whole day.
Also the Liquor Commission haave made a decision regarding Ngukurr residents wanting it to be a dry ( alcohol free) zone in favour of the residents, (!!yaay) as opposed to the drunks and some white ( munanga) people who wanted to be able to have permits to bring alcohol in. I am hope this is the beginning of some social change in regards to alcohol abuse which unfortunately seems to be around alot, as is petrol sniffing, more than I have ever seen it before,zombies in the middle of the day with their nose in a container numbing their brains, pobala.


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