Sunset

There is this bank of clouds almost meeting the horizon, but for these few moments the sun is setting between the mountains and the clouds, clear and beautiful.. at this moment it starts to rain, a soft gentle rain and the sun so bright and the air so wet, it is beautiful. I am sitting at the kitchen table considering doing some work, but now I am caught absolutely transfixed as the sun slowly sinks behind the mountains and the soft pink cloud colour dissipates and it is left with fields of green and grey and little threads of rain.

I also realised in these moments of contemplation that I have made it through the student years... though I am still a student it is really only in all the good ways and none of the struggles of share housing and stingy government support ( yes I am grateful i had it at all!). I live in the lap of luxury - I have the beautiful paintings of the walls I bought in Ngukurr, rugs from Mexico, cloths from Senegal, my own muddy boots outside, my own car in the shed, I can listen to whatever music I want whenever, eat whenever, sleep whenever.... you get the picture. I appreciate it so much after the last few years of living out of a suitcase.. knowing I will have to pack up in a few months, never really settling down... ( ok, well actually i will be packing up in a few months), but these few months are heavenly! Thankyou everyone whose couches, verandas spare beds I have slept on over the last while I really appreciate it and I hope if you ever want to come to Armidale (in the next few months that is) I can offer you everything you could ever want... the supermarket so close I can eat fresh food everyday.. ( sorry Wamut I cant help it). life is peaceful. People are such relative creatures, just keep them at home for a few years and they will adore a holiday, keep them moving for a few years and they will fall in love with suburbia (!!). I am partly writing this because I want to be able to re read it in the coming months and find this space of calm again. remember the days when I had my own water filter, a bath and clean towels abound. hehehe.

The sun is well behind the hills now so I am going do some work.

Thinking...

A person is involved with all that they are doing all of the time. I think in a way language helps to obscure or clarify this reality, in that a person can say they are a 'linguist' or a 'mother' or a 'Christian' or a 'Muslim' or 'wife' whatever and everyone, including themselves may forget that in fact they are much much more than just the sum of what all of these words mean, what roles and responsibilities they define... and to take this as an assumption for your own identity can lead you astray, you can end up too comfortable never questioning 'who you realy are', 'what you really believe in as your life's work etc'... you can forget that we are all incredible human beings all interacting with each other all the time on so many levels... with a real ability to change things, influence and create them.

I am referring to a situation I find myself in particular, in a peculiar way I am getting used to a change in status and conceptualisation, from being in a 'couple' to being 'single'. This, in my world at least, in a substantial difference both in how others might percieve me, but more crucially in how I perceive myself, which is very strange thing to come to terms with gaining a sense of identity ( maybe like being a teenager again) and I find myself engaging with the world in an entirely new way.

I am also realising that it is a completely new way each moment, I have never been in this situation before, or more accurately 'myself' has never been in this situation before.... this strange feeling is embodied by my moving into a house by myself for the first time in a while ( in a town where I dont really know anyone) and setting it all up and getting to know myself in the moments of being alone... I suppose I am constantly being faced with all this 'me'-ness, I feel aware of doing everything that I do, all the choices I have, and I have time to pause and reconsider, savour all the labels, or words i would normally and naturally associate myself with one big one being 'in a relationship with Adam')... I feel very aware ( most of the time) that I am not on autopilot, I dont have a standard set of assumptions to work off about how these situations work, I am making it up as I go, that is I am creating or influencing ( consciously) many of the situations around me.

It is making me gradually much more assertive and confident, I tell you, but it is also very scary and I feel fundamentally shaken sometimes, unsure and undefined. Wanting to crawl back into some safe space, where I know 'me' and dont have to wonder and feel it out from some heart space all the time... to think things like 'oh I am researching' and 'I am an aunty to these two twins' and 'I have a scholarship' etc. and i actually find they do not really get that close to helping me understanding my own soul, it could be that they even distract me from it a little with their comfort and their existing roles. I am finding the need to reconceptualise myself only in terms of my self ( for a few moments a day at least, until it gets a bit scary)... when i look around it makes me realise many most people probably deal with this every day too... maybe they dont know what they are doing or what is expected of them they are just making it up, trying to get along. Maybe this is what growing up feels like... growing out.